


Empty Shells & Virtual Documents

by orphan_account



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Established Relationship, Existential Crisis, Fluff, M/M, Real Life, Well not really, a bit of angst, it gets deep really quickly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-30
Updated: 2017-06-30
Packaged: 2018-11-21 16:56:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,322
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11361660
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Existential crisis is hell. For Dan it means lying face down on a rough carpet and thinking about how his life doesn't matter and why should he get up and do stuff when there are thousands of people who can also do them and maybe better?And then when he finally gets up he ends there again, lying on the exact same spot as few hours earlier. This time he is angry. Why is it always Phil who has to deal with this?





	Empty Shells & Virtual Documents

**Author's Note:**

> and as always i am going to warn you that my first language isn't english so there can be mistakes.  
> now you've been warned about this so maybe i should reassure you that i do take responsibility for whatever emotions this gives you. please shout at me what you think about it in the comments

“Already? Really, Dan? And why here? I mean why always in a hall. Why don’t you just go lie on our bed?”

Dan was lying face down on a carpet. Last few days he felt really stressed and this always helped. Moving into a bigger apartment was hell. So many things to do, so many places to go and not to mention their followers always asking about stuff. He was so sick of this. Sometimes he just wanted to be Dan for some time. Not Daniel Howell or danisnotonfire. Just Dan.

Dan who can go outside and don’t worry about who will see him and take a picture, Dan who can joke on the internet and around others without people taking it too seriously and making him something he isn’t. Dan that can act the way he wants to and doesn’t have to think about all the people always listening to his words and watching his every step. He can’t stumble again. He can’t. He is an adult now and this is his life, he can’t afford to stumble and fuck things up again.

“I just feel like it’s all meaningless. You know our existence and all the things we do. I just feel like maybe it was stupid to move to this apartment. Maybe we should have waited a bit longer and actually buy a house. I just don’t like changes. And I just… I don’t know… Maybe it was really a bad idea…”

“Dan, stop. It’s too late to think about this. You can’t change it. And it’s much better here. I feel better at least. I know it’s been really hard last few days. But now it’s almost over.”

“I know. I just can’t help myself. I feel so… empty. As if I don’t matter.”

Phil sat on the floor next to Dan and patted his head. This was the only time he hated how much Dan thought about things. He loved how clever Dan was but then there was this and after all these years he still didn’t know what exactly to do. He could just take Dan to the lounge and watch something or he could take him to bed and kiss him until they’ll fall asleep. He could make him a hot cocoa and bring blanket and sit next to him until Dan will feel better. But sometimes neither of these worked and then Dan would go sit somewhere into a corner and just stare into nothingness until he felt better. Which could take hours and it always made Phil sad to see him like that.

“Do you wanna watch some movie?”

“No. I am not a little kid, Phil.” Dan snapped. He just felt so angry suddenly. He felt alone and his life was a mess and he was a mess and he was good for nothing and everything was just so wrong. His whole life was one big mistake that led him here and he was so scared and so small but he had to act like an adult and there was so many people watching him and admiring him and he was so upset over his life right now. He hated this. He knew this is all stupid and not true but it just felt so right to say these things to himself when he was in this mood.

“I know. I am sorry. So… do you wanna talk about it? We can go sit in front of the fireplace and just talk. It’s much better there than here. We put there the fluffy rug. This carpet’s a bit too rough.”

“I don’t know. I just kind of don’t want to do anything…”

“Dan!” Phil was starting to be frustrated. He knew Dan felt bad and even he had his moods when he didn’t want to move and made Dan do things for him but it was always so angering when he tried and Dan didn’t care.

But he didn’t know what to do. He didn’t want to leave Dan here and just go back to the lounge. But Dan didn’t really want him here…

“I will leave soon. You are right I should go lie on the bed. Maybe I will fall asleep and finally stop thinking.”

 

“Again?” Phil stopped in a doorway and looked at Dan who was again lying face down on the carpet. “I know it’s tough. But Dan this is for the second time in one day. Maybe you should seek some help for it. I am really worried about you.”

“I am just angry and this is the best place to think.”

Angry. Just angry. Phil could deal with angry Dan. It was way better than existential Dan.

“What happened?” Phil sat next to him. For the second time today, he reminded himself.

“Fans happened. I’ve came across some phanfiction and so I thought maybe I can read it. You know some are really well-written and it had a lot of notes so I just… it was a mistake.”

“Why? You shouldn’t be angry because of what some fifteen-year-old wrote about you. We’ve been over this.”

“I just… this is so stupid. They always portrait me as such a fuck boy. Cock-tease even. Emotional train wreck. And I hate it so much. I know it’s my bad that I’ve read it because we said that we don’t mind… And I don’t mind. In the end I always end with you… but it’s just… they are not writing me. I don’t act like that. And then there’s you. Dominant and emotionless and cold as fuck. And just… this is like those woman’s novels or some Eugene Onegin shit.”

“Dan, calm down.”

“I can’t. Every phanfiction is either about me and my feelings or when it’s about you it’s just not you at all. I’ve read so beautiful fanfictions before and I could imagine myself actually saying some of the lines to you and then there are the ones that just use us as shells for their characters. They like our appearance but then they stuff us with some bullshit personalities and put us into some alternative universe and… when does a fanfiction stop being a fanfiction? It’s not even us. It’s just as if we are their puppets and they move the strings however they want…”

“You are too deep in this. How do you know we are not in a phanfiction right now? Am I acting the right way? Am I acting like the real Phil would right now? You can never know what a real person would do in some situation. I don’t even know what I would do in some situations. Not until it happens and I have to act.”

“You are right.”

“About what?”

“This is not how Phil acts.”

“Well are you acting the way real Dan would or are we just words on a paper?”

“I do know who I am! I am here. Right now. I am myself and I act like myself.”

“Really? But what if the writer decides otherwise?”

“There’s no writer. This is reality.”

“Oh is it? Or is it just a writer having a dialog with herself through the empty shells of us? What is a reality? You said it yourself. We are probably all just a game of The Sims. This is a reality for us because we are trapped here. But maybe we are nothing more than a dry ink on a paper. Or not even that. It can be a MS Word document. Or worse. Maybe this is all just in someone’s mind and they are trying to sleep making a story in their head. Maybe we are just a dream…”

“Stop! I am the one with existential crisis.”

“Really? I think about these things too. You know I do.”

“You are scaring me.”

“No. I am telling you the truth.”

Because otherwise you will never know it. But I do.

Sleep well, Lena.

**Author's Note:**

> fourth wall who? never heard of them...  
> also can we talk about how extra i am being? normal phanfictions? nah. catch me writing meta fourth wall ff while drinking iced tea and having an existential crisis. my life is a mess. dont save me i kind of like it.
> 
> tagged as existential crisis not because i write about one but because it should give you one. yay
> 
> other than that i am sorry if it left you thinking about how none of this has to be reality and maybe we really dont exist and this is all just a simulation game.  
> and if we do - in such a big universe... do we really matter?


End file.
